1. A Zen student went to a temple and asked how long it would take him to gain enlightenment if he joined the temple.
"Ten years," said the Zen master.
"Well, how about if I really work hard and double my effort?"
2. Seeing his master on the other side of a raging torrent, a student waved his arms and shouted out, "Master, master, how do I get to the other side?" The master smiled and said, "You are on the other side."
3. One Zen student said, "My teacher is the best. He can go days without eating."
The second said, "My teacher has so much self-control, he can go days without sleep."
The third said, "My teacher is so wise that he eats when he's hungry and sleeps when he's tired."
4. For his 70th birthday, one of his students gave the zen master a big box with a ribbon around it. When the master opened the box, he found that there was nothing inside. "Aha," he exclaimed, "just what I wanted!"
5. An aspiring monk asked to enter a temple and attach himself to a guru.
"Very well," said the guru, "but all students here observe the vow of silence. You will be allowed to speak only once in every twelve years.
After the first twelve years, the student said, "The bed is too hard."
After another twelve years, he said, "The food is not good."
Twelve more years later, after thirty-six years of hard work and meditation, he said, "I quit."
"Good," snapped his guru, "all you have been doing is complain."